Mac vs PC Round 2

In the last round, Mac won just 1 point out of a possible 12. Now, as we have 11 more commercials to get through, and since nobody reads introductions anyway, fart testicles onomatopoeia, let's watch some movies while I make sarcastic remarks!


Self-Pity


Hey look, he's wearing a suit! It's okay, you can start taking us seriously again because our guy is wearing a suit! He's still rocking the chin pubes, but now he's responsible and shit. On an unrelated note, this much-touted Microsoft Office costs $350. Open Office costs 350 less dollars than that, and is multiplatform to boot.


Better Results


Looks like iMovie takes this contest. By the way, the word professional has been changed to mean "timeline of crap you shot with your friends with no real way sense of flow or timing." Just try to limit the cheesy pseudo-3d transition effects to like, 4 or 5 times per minute, guys. It's called restraint.


Counselor


This one marks a turning point for the series. At this point, the ads had been running for a while, and it seems people were identifying more with the PC Guy (which, can you blame them, being played by the infinitely huggable John Hodgman), so they started making his character into an asshole for no apparent reason. This also marks the point where they stop being intentionally funny.


Meant for Work


Why John Hodgman is funny as a crotchety old man should be apparent to everybody except the people who wrote this ad. He's charming, lovable, and has a natural wit. He couldn't be offensive to anybody even if he were eating a live puppy while singing an original song entitled "Hitler is My Best Friend in the World" (At the same time, how impressive). As for the message of this commercial, it's hard to argue with. If you want to buy your kids a two thousand dollar toy, get them a Mac.


Sales Pitch


Little known fact: this ad was created for the Bizarro world, where Macs vastly outnumber PCs. It found its way into our world when somebody made a paradox by creating a grape soda commercial that was totally fucking awesome. Any time it aired, it punched a hole in the space-time continuum, and we saw this ad instead.


Gift Exchange


AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING iPHOTO! GOD-FUCK-A-DOODLE-SHIT-ASS-CUNT-MOTHER-FUCKING-ASS-BANDIT-COCKSUCKER-CHIN-PUBE-RAPSCALLION!!!! He printed out a photo album, he's not fucking Norman Borlaug.


Goodwill


Man, you guys are just determined to portray Hodgman as a baby-stomping monster, aren't you? "Look, not only does he hate children, he hates Christmas too!" The man just doesn't have a mean spirited bone in his body, that's why it's so funny watching him play such a sociopath.


Surgery


Yeah, he's right, all that upgrading bullshit is for losers! What am I, a scientician? I can't put these "doodads" into my "thinky box." Lucky for me, I own a Mac, so all I have to do is buy a brand new compooter! How do I know when it's time to empty my wallet? Simple, when I install the latest update and everything starts chugging! Why it's so easy, even a baby could do it. If it had a lot of money. And a credit card. And a shipping address.


Sabotage


It's actually getting to the point where Justin Long doesn't even have to be in the commercials anymore. Hodgman could just come out, take a dump on some orphans, and then say, "Don't buy a Mac."


Tech Support


Yep, nothing says wave of the future like a camera the size of a pinhole. Remember in grade school science class when you made a pinhole camera out of a shoebox and it didn't fucking work? Well now you can bring that kind of wonder to the digital world! With it you can take a picture of your face, GRAINY CELL PHONE STYLE! The possibilities are endless! You could take a picture of you smiling, or you sticking out your tongue, or show how much of a rebel you are by flipping off your own camera like you just don't give a shit! I guess the possibilities aren't endless after all, but THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THREE!


Security


Making fun of Vista is like shooting a retarded kid, it's too easy, should be illegal, and if you miss, it can only mean you're even more retarded. Vista's security software may be shitty, but it's a hell of a lot more grand than nothing. To confuse an already confusing gun metaphor, you don't challenge someone to a gunfight and then show up holding nothing but a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Because the other guy probably has a gun. Or maybe he just has a really pointy rock, but hey, still better than you.


Well, I hope you enjoyed joining me on this long and pointless excuse to post a bunch of YouTube clips in an effort to do as little real work as possible. And in the likely event that any of these clips get taken down, let me know, and I'll be sure to replace them with this video of an adorable Japanese kitten: