Hello, I'm a SHITTY COMPUTER

Don't even try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Watch any tv show, at any time of day and you'll see at least one of these ads. You know, the ones with two guys standing against a white background, one of them is Justin Long looking unwashed and hipster cool, and the other is that hilarious guy from the Daily Show wearing a tweedy suit and generally acting like a complete dork (that's no act, that's just the lovable charm of John Hodgman, and you should buy his book, The Areas of My Expertise).

While these commercials are surprisingly hilarious, and even more surprisingly, intentionally so (or at least they started that way, more on that later), they have the notable handicap of having to sell a product that costs twice as much money and is capable of doing less. How do they accomplish this goal? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is simple, they lie their stinking five hundred dollar designer jeans off. So, partly out of a dedication to truth, justice, and two button mice, and partly just because they're damn funny and I want to collect them all in one place, here is my annotated list of every commercial in the creatively named series, "Get a Mac."


WSJ


Yes, if it's printed in a newspaper, it must be true! They wouldn't print just anything, you know. They've got standards.


Network


First off, what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Secondly, did Apple stop following PC trends in 1996? I don't have to install shit to get my Windows machine to grab anything off any device I can plug into those curiously square holes. Also, I'd like to point out that the last time Macs had this advantage, they looked like this.


iLife


Perhaps the most convincing argument yet. Yes, only a Mac comes with simplified, stripped down versions of programs straight out of the box! Hmm, maybe that's why Macs are so expensive. That extra thousand dollars is going to pay for programs you can find for free on a real computer.


Better


Now here's a winning strategy, start your commercial by pointing out your complete lack of basic office software, and how you eventually had to license your competitor's software just so your computer would have basic functionality. Then after a surprising bit of honesty, it's back to more lies.


Restarting


Occasionally, I find myself having to use a Mac for some purpose, usually because I'm in a public place and have no other option. This commercial is nothing but a bold-faced lie, as I can attest that the accursed things still freeze up quite often, usually 2 or 3 times each session. And thanks to the amazing design decision of not including a reset button, you have to pull the power plug to restart it. I haven't had Windows randomly freeze on me ONCE in the last seven years.


Viruses


Of course, there aren't any viruses for Macs, not because of security, but just because so few people use Macs that nobody is really interested in creating viruses for them.


Work vs. Home


So, Windows based PCs are not only incapable of displaying pictures, but what few graphics they can display are only in grayscale? Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.


Touché


Quick, before anyone can make the obvious response to our weak claim, let's cover it up with a raging straw man fallacy! Touché!


Out of the Box


Unless your BRAND NEW MAC looks like this, we've got another damned lie on our hands.


Trust Mac


Vote Jim Milquetoast for US Senate! A man you can trust, because he's so damn boring, criminals are totally disinterested in associating with him! And he can't ever be corrupted, because he has no friends! Damn you, Jim Milquetoast, you may have logic on your side this time, but I swear I will win the day in the end! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, what the fuck was I talking about again?


Angel/Devil


Man, they sure love that iPhoto program, don't they? I don't think I can come up with anything more to say about fucking iPhoto. iPhoto is not the goddamn savior of the universe, STOP RAMMING IT DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS! Seriously.


Accident


...
...
Okay, even I have to admit that little connector is fucking awesome. Damn, I wish I had one of those.


Fine Mac, you've won 1 point out out of 12 this round. Stay tuned for the second, and final (at least for now) round, coming soon.