So, I picked up a wireless adapter for my Xbox 360 today, and it turns out both it and the cooling stand I have the beast sitting on have incredibly short cords that can only reach the same lone USB port on the back of the console. Now, the cooling stand (which is an absolute necessity if you own a 360, that fucker will start to melt if you leave it running on its own) has its own little passthrough port so you can plug two things in, but the wireless adapter doesn't seem to like it very much.
The solution it turns out lie three inches to the console's left. The Nintendo Wii, which other than being absolutely delightful for a period of three and a half days coinciding with the release of Wii Sports Resort, has simply been gathering dust over there. Well, not anymore. Now, useless Wii, you finally have a purpose. Your sweet USB ports will power my Xbox's cooling stand. This is the true power of the Nintendo Wii, that even when turned off it delivers 5 volts of glorious phantom power through those cute little ports.
Plus the best part of this little tip is that based on sales numbers, if you're reading this there's a very good chance you own a Wii. So go on, put that little bastard to good use.
Showing posts with label computers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label computers. Show all posts
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
How People Find The FME
Google provides an amazing tool in its search engine. It can instantly return information on any subject on earth, arranged fairly smartly in order of relevance and usefulness. But there are some cases where Google fails, and one must get creative in their searches. Or sometimes, you can make a game out of it, typing strange and obscure things, browsing the dark corners of the Internet. And of course, net corners don’t come much darker than this little one I happen to be squatting on called the Frenzied Mind Effect. So, on occasion, these brave explorers end up crashing their boats on the jagged rocks of my conscious mind. My only hope is what they see there confuses, annoys, or, if I’m lucky, astounds them.
And judging by some of the search strings that lead people to my little corner of the interconnected web, we have quite the rogue’s gallery passing through here. The minority of results belong to phrases that I would actually want to lead people to my site, phrases like “anarchy gun control” or “belief in god the effect of a frenzied mind” (This is perhaps the one I’m most proud of. That, and the one person who found me by browsing all blogs tagged with the word “fuck.”). It also fills my with joy to see that I am the third Google result for “frenzied mind” (with a little luck, soon to be number two, you’d better watch your fucking back, lds.org!). However, the vast majority of searches only manage to confuse, annoy, and astound me (Such as the number of variations on the phrase “horse fucking.” Seriously, a lot of people show up here looking for equestrian themed pornography.). Now, for the purposes of shits and giggles, I would like to share some of these with you, separated by theme and vigorously annotated by my own snarky comments.
fuck apple and their shitty commercials
fuck apple corporation
shitty computer
fucking iphoto
fucking itunes deleting podcasts
a fucking number to apple
fucking apple inside ass
These are the majority of the search hits I get, people who apparently desire to hear someone bitch about Apple computers. This is, of course, only natural. Apple’s sucking is well documented, both at this fine site and elsewhere, and they will continue to suck until Microsoft finally collapses under the weight of its own irrelevance and Apple can no longer market their products because they have no one to make fun of. The last two items on the above list are very near to my heart. The first, because it initially appears to make no sense, but once you think about it, it still doesn’t make any sense, but it has begun to form its own logic, as though from twigs and leaves, and you feel as though to understand it is to discover some deep and crucial secret of the universe. The last one, admittedly does not have anything to do with computers, but yet the homograph creates the link, and thus this site is found. This is perhaps the most beautiful aspect of the search engine, that occasionally it can connect two unrelated ideas in a random and interesting way.
bioshock recorders
last words in bioshock
bioshock screen flickers
bioshock percent complete screen
bioshock family review
can you spend the adam after killing atlas?
bioshock save atlas’ family
bioshock atlas family death
fisting a cream pie
A surprising number of people come here looking for Bioshock spoilers or information. I’m not really sure why this is, I’ve only written the one blog post about the game, and it was actually fairly negative. As when I wrote it, there still isn’t much too say about Bioshock; it’s a game with a brilliant idea that shoots out the frontal cortex of its brain during the final act. I don’t know what the fuck a Bioshock recorder is, or why so many people are so concerned over Atlas’ fake family. If the fisting a cream pie bit’s inclusion in this section confuses you, it is because it’s a phrase I included in my review. Personally I would love to meet the person who typed it in as a Google search, and I am honored that my blog is the first, and in fact only, site returned by this search.
And now we come to the dregs. Be prepared, for some of these searches exceed the FDA’s daily allotted allowance for awesome. I have prepared comments for each of these individually.
dreams are the window to the soul
Fuckin’ a. It seems my ironic use of clichés is finally paying off.
Did anyone take the Redux Bonus?
I don’t know, did they? Also, don’t you just love it when people ask questions to Google, as though it were some sort of living thing? Actually, that’s kind of a disquieting thought.
horsing around fucking
This is one idea I cannot support. I demand that my pornography be straightforward and orderly. There is no room for horsing around while fucking, someone could get injured.
silent vision loose pant
This is another of those ones where you look at it and you try to reconstruct the thought process of the person who entered it. The mind boggles at the idea of how vision can be silent, and what role the tightness of one’s pants plays in the whole affair.
not in cruelty not in wrath the reaper came today an angel visited this path -cube
I can see what they were going for here, but the way they formatted it makes it look as though “cube” is the signature of this quote.
stupid xtians
This one impresses me because my blog does not appear within the first ten pages of results. Whoever pulled out this one must really hate those fucking xtians.
fuck congress
Yeah, fuck those guys! Actually, most of them are pretty old, I don’t think I’d want to fuck them.
frenzied fucking
Wow, I very much doubt you found what you were looking for here.
cons of butter
Man, I just can’t decide if I should eat butter or not. I know, I’ll ask the Internet! After all, the Internet is well known for its reasoned and articulate debates. I feel certain that no one will make reference to the fat content of my ass.
Finally, I’d like to say a few words in conclusion. Here they are:
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Good night, everybody.
And judging by some of the search strings that lead people to my little corner of the interconnected web, we have quite the rogue’s gallery passing through here. The minority of results belong to phrases that I would actually want to lead people to my site, phrases like “anarchy gun control” or “belief in god the effect of a frenzied mind” (This is perhaps the one I’m most proud of. That, and the one person who found me by browsing all blogs tagged with the word “fuck.”). It also fills my with joy to see that I am the third Google result for “frenzied mind” (with a little luck, soon to be number two, you’d better watch your fucking back, lds.org!). However, the vast majority of searches only manage to confuse, annoy, and astound me (Such as the number of variations on the phrase “horse fucking.” Seriously, a lot of people show up here looking for equestrian themed pornography.). Now, for the purposes of shits and giggles, I would like to share some of these with you, separated by theme and vigorously annotated by my own snarky comments.
fuck apple and their shitty commercials
fuck apple corporation
shitty computer
fucking iphoto
fucking itunes deleting podcasts
a fucking number to apple
fucking apple inside ass
These are the majority of the search hits I get, people who apparently desire to hear someone bitch about Apple computers. This is, of course, only natural. Apple’s sucking is well documented, both at this fine site and elsewhere, and they will continue to suck until Microsoft finally collapses under the weight of its own irrelevance and Apple can no longer market their products because they have no one to make fun of. The last two items on the above list are very near to my heart. The first, because it initially appears to make no sense, but once you think about it, it still doesn’t make any sense, but it has begun to form its own logic, as though from twigs and leaves, and you feel as though to understand it is to discover some deep and crucial secret of the universe. The last one, admittedly does not have anything to do with computers, but yet the homograph creates the link, and thus this site is found. This is perhaps the most beautiful aspect of the search engine, that occasionally it can connect two unrelated ideas in a random and interesting way.
bioshock recorders
last words in bioshock
bioshock screen flickers
bioshock percent complete screen
bioshock family review
can you spend the adam after killing atlas?
bioshock save atlas’ family
bioshock atlas family death
fisting a cream pie
A surprising number of people come here looking for Bioshock spoilers or information. I’m not really sure why this is, I’ve only written the one blog post about the game, and it was actually fairly negative. As when I wrote it, there still isn’t much too say about Bioshock; it’s a game with a brilliant idea that shoots out the frontal cortex of its brain during the final act. I don’t know what the fuck a Bioshock recorder is, or why so many people are so concerned over Atlas’ fake family. If the fisting a cream pie bit’s inclusion in this section confuses you, it is because it’s a phrase I included in my review. Personally I would love to meet the person who typed it in as a Google search, and I am honored that my blog is the first, and in fact only, site returned by this search.
And now we come to the dregs. Be prepared, for some of these searches exceed the FDA’s daily allotted allowance for awesome. I have prepared comments for each of these individually.
dreams are the window to the soul
Fuckin’ a. It seems my ironic use of clichés is finally paying off.
Did anyone take the Redux Bonus?
I don’t know, did they? Also, don’t you just love it when people ask questions to Google, as though it were some sort of living thing? Actually, that’s kind of a disquieting thought.
horsing around fucking
This is one idea I cannot support. I demand that my pornography be straightforward and orderly. There is no room for horsing around while fucking, someone could get injured.
silent vision loose pant
This is another of those ones where you look at it and you try to reconstruct the thought process of the person who entered it. The mind boggles at the idea of how vision can be silent, and what role the tightness of one’s pants plays in the whole affair.
not in cruelty not in wrath the reaper came today an angel visited this path -cube
I can see what they were going for here, but the way they formatted it makes it look as though “cube” is the signature of this quote.
stupid xtians
This one impresses me because my blog does not appear within the first ten pages of results. Whoever pulled out this one must really hate those fucking xtians.
fuck congress
Yeah, fuck those guys! Actually, most of them are pretty old, I don’t think I’d want to fuck them.
frenzied fucking
Wow, I very much doubt you found what you were looking for here.
cons of butter
Man, I just can’t decide if I should eat butter or not. I know, I’ll ask the Internet! After all, the Internet is well known for its reasoned and articulate debates. I feel certain that no one will make reference to the fat content of my ass.
Finally, I’d like to say a few words in conclusion. Here they are:
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Good night, everybody.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Fucking Fuck Apple, and Their Shoddy Ass Products
I'm going to start off this post with a confession. I'm a big fucking hypocrite. I wrote this huge review completely blasting Apple Computers, particularly their marketing, and a few weeks ago, I bought an Ipod (no, I shall not lowercase that "I" because I won't give them the satisfaction). I bought it because I wanted a portable video playing device, and theirs was the cheapest one with all the features I wanted. I also bought it because I now subscribe to a number of podcasts, and I wanted a device with better organization for those. Which brings me to my complaint.
I fucking hate Itunes (again, note the "I"). And with good reason, because it sucks at organizing my music, and it likes to fuck around with my painstakingly organized tag information. But now that I have a fucking Ipod, I need to use fucking Itunes to transfer my stuff to it. Which is bad enough, but as I'm subscribing to all my podcasts over again in Itunes, something interesting is happening. Occasionally, a big group of podcast files decides to just disappear into the ether. Now, longtime Itunes users, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking that I just have it set to delete my old episodes. This is not the case, because I know where to find the settings, I know what they are set on, and I know what happens when you set them that way, and it isn't this. I can tell, because Itunes continues to look for the files, going so far as to ask me if I want to locate them. So I go into the folder, and to my surprise, the file that was there just two hours ago has now vanished without a trace. And no file bearing its name exists anywhere on my computer. And of course there's no way to re-download just that one file, oh no, that would be too convenient. You have to unsubscribe from the podcast, and re-download EVERY SINGLE EPISODE over again. And if you like to keep your old episodes like I do, this is a huge pain in the ass.
So, Apple, if you're reading this (you're probably not, so luckily I sent you an email stating the same thing but saying the word "fuck" a few less times), you're officially on my list of people who I wouldn't mind if they got sodomized by bears (sadly, the bears can only manage to sodomize six people per year, or at least six who will report it). If this is the type of product you put your name behind, and the type of customer service you offer (where the fuck is your damned telephone number?), then I deeply regret giving you money. And keep in mind you were already on my shit list when I did. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent the extra money and gone with a brand that doesn't treat people like shit and act all fucking haughty over it. Your corporation is garbage, and I hope that someday your legacy is regarded as a puke-stain on the carpet in the hall of history.
Also, bears, if you're reading this, I would be eternally grateful if you would place these guys at the top of your anal rape list. Seriously, I'll buy you guys dinner and everything.
ADDENDUM:
I fucking hate Itunes (again, note the "I"). And with good reason, because it sucks at organizing my music, and it likes to fuck around with my painstakingly organized tag information. But now that I have a fucking Ipod, I need to use fucking Itunes to transfer my stuff to it. Which is bad enough, but as I'm subscribing to all my podcasts over again in Itunes, something interesting is happening. Occasionally, a big group of podcast files decides to just disappear into the ether. Now, longtime Itunes users, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking that I just have it set to delete my old episodes. This is not the case, because I know where to find the settings, I know what they are set on, and I know what happens when you set them that way, and it isn't this. I can tell, because Itunes continues to look for the files, going so far as to ask me if I want to locate them. So I go into the folder, and to my surprise, the file that was there just two hours ago has now vanished without a trace. And no file bearing its name exists anywhere on my computer. And of course there's no way to re-download just that one file, oh no, that would be too convenient. You have to unsubscribe from the podcast, and re-download EVERY SINGLE EPISODE over again. And if you like to keep your old episodes like I do, this is a huge pain in the ass.
So, Apple, if you're reading this (you're probably not, so luckily I sent you an email stating the same thing but saying the word "fuck" a few less times), you're officially on my list of people who I wouldn't mind if they got sodomized by bears (sadly, the bears can only manage to sodomize six people per year, or at least six who will report it). If this is the type of product you put your name behind, and the type of customer service you offer (where the fuck is your damned telephone number?), then I deeply regret giving you money. And keep in mind you were already on my shit list when I did. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent the extra money and gone with a brand that doesn't treat people like shit and act all fucking haughty over it. Your corporation is garbage, and I hope that someday your legacy is regarded as a puke-stain on the carpet in the hall of history.
Also, bears, if you're reading this, I would be eternally grateful if you would place these guys at the top of your anal rape list. Seriously, I'll buy you guys dinner and everything.
ADDENDUM:
Monday, March 5, 2007
Mac vs PC Round 2
In the last round, Mac won just 1 point out of a possible 12. Now, as we have 11 more commercials to get through, and since nobody reads introductions anyway, fart testicles onomatopoeia, let's watch some movies while I make sarcastic remarks!
Self-Pity
Hey look, he's wearing a suit! It's okay, you can start taking us seriously again because our guy is wearing a suit! He's still rocking the chin pubes, but now he's responsible and shit. On an unrelated note, this much-touted Microsoft Office costs $350. Open Office costs 350 less dollars than that, and is multiplatform to boot.
Better Results
Looks like iMovie takes this contest. By the way, the word professional has been changed to mean "timeline of crap you shot with your friends with no real way sense of flow or timing." Just try to limit the cheesy pseudo-3d transition effects to like, 4 or 5 times per minute, guys. It's called restraint.
Counselor
This one marks a turning point for the series. At this point, the ads had been running for a while, and it seems people were identifying more with the PC Guy (which, can you blame them, being played by the infinitely huggable John Hodgman), so they started making his character into an asshole for no apparent reason. This also marks the point where they stop being intentionally funny.
Meant for Work
Why John Hodgman is funny as a crotchety old man should be apparent to everybody except the people who wrote this ad. He's charming, lovable, and has a natural wit. He couldn't be offensive to anybody even if he were eating a live puppy while singing an original song entitled "Hitler is My Best Friend in the World" (At the same time, how impressive). As for the message of this commercial, it's hard to argue with. If you want to buy your kids a two thousand dollar toy, get them a Mac.
Sales Pitch
Little known fact: this ad was created for the Bizarro world, where Macs vastly outnumber PCs. It found its way into our world when somebody made a paradox by creating a grape soda commercial that was totally fucking awesome. Any time it aired, it punched a hole in the space-time continuum, and we saw this ad instead.
Gift Exchange
AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING iPHOTO! GOD-FUCK-A-DOODLE-SHIT-ASS-CUNT-MOTHER-FUCKING-ASS-BANDIT-COCKSUCKER-CHIN-PUBE-RAPSCALLION!!!! He printed out a photo album, he's not fucking Norman Borlaug.
Goodwill
Man, you guys are just determined to portray Hodgman as a baby-stomping monster, aren't you? "Look, not only does he hate children, he hates Christmas too!" The man just doesn't have a mean spirited bone in his body, that's why it's so funny watching him play such a sociopath.
Surgery
Yeah, he's right, all that upgrading bullshit is for losers! What am I, a scientician? I can't put these "doodads" into my "thinky box." Lucky for me, I own a Mac, so all I have to do is buy a brand new compooter! How do I know when it's time to empty my wallet? Simple, when I install the latest update and everything starts chugging! Why it's so easy, even a baby could do it. If it had a lot of money. And a credit card. And a shipping address.
Sabotage
It's actually getting to the point where Justin Long doesn't even have to be in the commercials anymore. Hodgman could just come out, take a dump on some orphans, and then say, "Don't buy a Mac."
Tech Support
Yep, nothing says wave of the future like a camera the size of a pinhole. Remember in grade school science class when you made a pinhole camera out of a shoebox and it didn't fucking work? Well now you can bring that kind of wonder to the digital world! With it you can take a picture of your face, GRAINY CELL PHONE STYLE! The possibilities are endless! You could take a picture of you smiling, or you sticking out your tongue, or show how much of a rebel you are by flipping off your own camera like you just don't give a shit! I guess the possibilities aren't endless after all, but THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THREE!
Security
Making fun of Vista is like shooting a retarded kid, it's too easy, should be illegal, and if you miss, it can only mean you're even more retarded. Vista's security software may be shitty, but it's a hell of a lot more grand than nothing. To confuse an already confusing gun metaphor, you don't challenge someone to a gunfight and then show up holding nothing but a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Because the other guy probably has a gun. Or maybe he just has a really pointy rock, but hey, still better than you.
Well, I hope you enjoyed joining me on this long and pointless excuse to post a bunch of YouTube clips in an effort to do as little real work as possible. And in the likely event that any of these clips get taken down, let me know, and I'll be sure to replace them with this video of an adorable Japanese kitten:
Self-Pity
Hey look, he's wearing a suit! It's okay, you can start taking us seriously again because our guy is wearing a suit! He's still rocking the chin pubes, but now he's responsible and shit. On an unrelated note, this much-touted Microsoft Office costs $350. Open Office costs 350 less dollars than that, and is multiplatform to boot.
Better Results
Looks like iMovie takes this contest. By the way, the word professional has been changed to mean "timeline of crap you shot with your friends with no real way sense of flow or timing." Just try to limit the cheesy pseudo-3d transition effects to like, 4 or 5 times per minute, guys. It's called restraint.
Counselor
This one marks a turning point for the series. At this point, the ads had been running for a while, and it seems people were identifying more with the PC Guy (which, can you blame them, being played by the infinitely huggable John Hodgman), so they started making his character into an asshole for no apparent reason. This also marks the point where they stop being intentionally funny.
Meant for Work
Why John Hodgman is funny as a crotchety old man should be apparent to everybody except the people who wrote this ad. He's charming, lovable, and has a natural wit. He couldn't be offensive to anybody even if he were eating a live puppy while singing an original song entitled "Hitler is My Best Friend in the World" (At the same time, how impressive). As for the message of this commercial, it's hard to argue with. If you want to buy your kids a two thousand dollar toy, get them a Mac.
Sales Pitch
Little known fact: this ad was created for the Bizarro world, where Macs vastly outnumber PCs. It found its way into our world when somebody made a paradox by creating a grape soda commercial that was totally fucking awesome. Any time it aired, it punched a hole in the space-time continuum, and we saw this ad instead.
Gift Exchange
AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING iPHOTO! GOD-FUCK-A-DOODLE-SHIT-ASS-CUNT-MOTHER-FUCKING-ASS-BANDIT-COCKSUCKER-CHIN-PUBE-RAPSCALLION!!!! He printed out a photo album, he's not fucking Norman Borlaug.
Goodwill
Man, you guys are just determined to portray Hodgman as a baby-stomping monster, aren't you? "Look, not only does he hate children, he hates Christmas too!" The man just doesn't have a mean spirited bone in his body, that's why it's so funny watching him play such a sociopath.
Surgery
Yeah, he's right, all that upgrading bullshit is for losers! What am I, a scientician? I can't put these "doodads" into my "thinky box." Lucky for me, I own a Mac, so all I have to do is buy a brand new compooter! How do I know when it's time to empty my wallet? Simple, when I install the latest update and everything starts chugging! Why it's so easy, even a baby could do it. If it had a lot of money. And a credit card. And a shipping address.
Sabotage
It's actually getting to the point where Justin Long doesn't even have to be in the commercials anymore. Hodgman could just come out, take a dump on some orphans, and then say, "Don't buy a Mac."
Tech Support
Yep, nothing says wave of the future like a camera the size of a pinhole. Remember in grade school science class when you made a pinhole camera out of a shoebox and it didn't fucking work? Well now you can bring that kind of wonder to the digital world! With it you can take a picture of your face, GRAINY CELL PHONE STYLE! The possibilities are endless! You could take a picture of you smiling, or you sticking out your tongue, or show how much of a rebel you are by flipping off your own camera like you just don't give a shit! I guess the possibilities aren't endless after all, but THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THREE!
Security
Making fun of Vista is like shooting a retarded kid, it's too easy, should be illegal, and if you miss, it can only mean you're even more retarded. Vista's security software may be shitty, but it's a hell of a lot more grand than nothing. To confuse an already confusing gun metaphor, you don't challenge someone to a gunfight and then show up holding nothing but a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Because the other guy probably has a gun. Or maybe he just has a really pointy rock, but hey, still better than you.
Well, I hope you enjoyed joining me on this long and pointless excuse to post a bunch of YouTube clips in an effort to do as little real work as possible. And in the likely event that any of these clips get taken down, let me know, and I'll be sure to replace them with this video of an adorable Japanese kitten:
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Hello, I'm a SHITTY COMPUTER
Don't even try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Watch any tv show, at any time of day and you'll see at least one of these ads. You know, the ones with two guys standing against a white background, one of them is Justin Long looking unwashed and hipster cool, and the other is that hilarious guy from the Daily Show wearing a tweedy suit and generally acting like a complete dork (that's no act, that's just the lovable charm of John Hodgman, and you should buy his book, The Areas of My Expertise).
While these commercials are surprisingly hilarious, and even more surprisingly, intentionally so (or at least they started that way, more on that later), they have the notable handicap of having to sell a product that costs twice as much money and is capable of doing less. How do they accomplish this goal? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is simple, they lie their stinking five hundred dollar designer jeans off. So, partly out of a dedication to truth, justice, and two button mice, and partly just because they're damn funny and I want to collect them all in one place, here is my annotated list of every commercial in the creatively named series, "Get a Mac."
WSJ
Yes, if it's printed in a newspaper, it must be true! They wouldn't print just anything, you know. They've got standards.
Network
First off, what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Secondly, did Apple stop following PC trends in 1996? I don't have to install shit to get my Windows machine to grab anything off any device I can plug into those curiously square holes. Also, I'd like to point out that the last time Macs had this advantage, they looked like this.
iLife
Perhaps the most convincing argument yet. Yes, only a Mac comes with simplified, stripped down versions of programs straight out of the box! Hmm, maybe that's why Macs are so expensive. That extra thousand dollars is going to pay for programs you can find for free on a real computer.
Better
Now here's a winning strategy, start your commercial by pointing out your complete lack of basic office software, and how you eventually had to license your competitor's software just so your computer would have basic functionality. Then after a surprising bit of honesty, it's back to more lies.
Restarting
Occasionally, I find myself having to use a Mac for some purpose, usually because I'm in a public place and have no other option. This commercial is nothing but a bold-faced lie, as I can attest that the accursed things still freeze up quite often, usually 2 or 3 times each session. And thanks to the amazing design decision of not including a reset button, you have to pull the power plug to restart it. I haven't had Windows randomly freeze on me ONCE in the last seven years.
Viruses
Of course, there aren't any viruses for Macs, not because of security, but just because so few people use Macs that nobody is really interested in creating viruses for them.
Work vs. Home
So, Windows based PCs are not only incapable of displaying pictures, but what few graphics they can display are only in grayscale? Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.
Touché
Quick, before anyone can make the obvious response to our weak claim, let's cover it up with a raging straw man fallacy! Touché!
Out of the Box
Unless your BRAND NEW MAC looks like this, we've got another damned lie on our hands.
Trust Mac
Vote Jim Milquetoast for US Senate! A man you can trust, because he's so damn boring, criminals are totally disinterested in associating with him! And he can't ever be corrupted, because he has no friends! Damn you, Jim Milquetoast, you may have logic on your side this time, but I swear I will win the day in the end! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, what the fuck was I talking about again?
Angel/Devil
Man, they sure love that iPhoto program, don't they? I don't think I can come up with anything more to say about fucking iPhoto. iPhoto is not the goddamn savior of the universe, STOP RAMMING IT DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS! Seriously.
Accident
...
...
Okay, even I have to admit that little connector is fucking awesome. Damn, I wish I had one of those.
Fine Mac, you've won 1 point out out of 12 this round. Stay tuned for the second, and final (at least for now) round, coming soon.
While these commercials are surprisingly hilarious, and even more surprisingly, intentionally so (or at least they started that way, more on that later), they have the notable handicap of having to sell a product that costs twice as much money and is capable of doing less. How do they accomplish this goal? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is simple, they lie their stinking five hundred dollar designer jeans off. So, partly out of a dedication to truth, justice, and two button mice, and partly just because they're damn funny and I want to collect them all in one place, here is my annotated list of every commercial in the creatively named series, "Get a Mac."
WSJ
Yes, if it's printed in a newspaper, it must be true! They wouldn't print just anything, you know. They've got standards.
Network
First off, what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Secondly, did Apple stop following PC trends in 1996? I don't have to install shit to get my Windows machine to grab anything off any device I can plug into those curiously square holes. Also, I'd like to point out that the last time Macs had this advantage, they looked like this.
iLife
Perhaps the most convincing argument yet. Yes, only a Mac comes with simplified, stripped down versions of programs straight out of the box! Hmm, maybe that's why Macs are so expensive. That extra thousand dollars is going to pay for programs you can find for free on a real computer.
Better
Now here's a winning strategy, start your commercial by pointing out your complete lack of basic office software, and how you eventually had to license your competitor's software just so your computer would have basic functionality. Then after a surprising bit of honesty, it's back to more lies.
Restarting
Occasionally, I find myself having to use a Mac for some purpose, usually because I'm in a public place and have no other option. This commercial is nothing but a bold-faced lie, as I can attest that the accursed things still freeze up quite often, usually 2 or 3 times each session. And thanks to the amazing design decision of not including a reset button, you have to pull the power plug to restart it. I haven't had Windows randomly freeze on me ONCE in the last seven years.
Viruses
Of course, there aren't any viruses for Macs, not because of security, but just because so few people use Macs that nobody is really interested in creating viruses for them.
Work vs. Home
So, Windows based PCs are not only incapable of displaying pictures, but what few graphics they can display are only in grayscale? Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.
Touché
Quick, before anyone can make the obvious response to our weak claim, let's cover it up with a raging straw man fallacy! Touché!
Out of the Box
Unless your BRAND NEW MAC looks like this, we've got another damned lie on our hands.
Trust Mac
Vote Jim Milquetoast for US Senate! A man you can trust, because he's so damn boring, criminals are totally disinterested in associating with him! And he can't ever be corrupted, because he has no friends! Damn you, Jim Milquetoast, you may have logic on your side this time, but I swear I will win the day in the end! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, what the fuck was I talking about again?
Angel/Devil
Man, they sure love that iPhoto program, don't they? I don't think I can come up with anything more to say about fucking iPhoto. iPhoto is not the goddamn savior of the universe, STOP RAMMING IT DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS! Seriously.
Accident
...
...
Okay, even I have to admit that little connector is fucking awesome. Damn, I wish I had one of those.
Fine Mac, you've won 1 point out out of 12 this round. Stay tuned for the second, and final (at least for now) round, coming soon.
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