How People Find The FME

Google provides an amazing tool in its search engine. It can instantly return information on any subject on earth, arranged fairly smartly in order of relevance and usefulness. But there are some cases where Google fails, and one must get creative in their searches. Or sometimes, you can make a game out of it, typing strange and obscure things, browsing the dark corners of the Internet. And of course, net corners don’t come much darker than this little one I happen to be squatting on called the Frenzied Mind Effect. So, on occasion, these brave explorers end up crashing their boats on the jagged rocks of my conscious mind. My only hope is what they see there confuses, annoys, or, if I’m lucky, astounds them.

And judging by some of the search strings that lead people to my little corner of the interconnected web, we have quite the rogue’s gallery passing through here. The minority of results belong to phrases that I would actually want to lead people to my site, phrases like “anarchy gun control” or “belief in god the effect of a frenzied mind” (This is perhaps the one I’m most proud of. That, and the one person who found me by browsing all blogs tagged with the word “fuck.”). It also fills my with joy to see that I am the third Google result for “frenzied mind” (with a little luck, soon to be number two, you’d better watch your fucking back, lds.org!). However, the vast majority of searches only manage to confuse, annoy, and astound me (Such as the number of variations on the phrase “horse fucking.” Seriously, a lot of people show up here looking for equestrian themed pornography.). Now, for the purposes of shits and giggles, I would like to share some of these with you, separated by theme and vigorously annotated by my own snarky comments.

fuck apple and their shitty commercials
fuck apple corporation
shitty computer
fucking iphoto
fucking itunes deleting podcasts
a fucking number to apple
fucking apple inside ass

These are the majority of the search hits I get, people who apparently desire to hear someone bitch about Apple computers. This is, of course, only natural. Apple’s sucking is well documented, both at this fine site and elsewhere, and they will continue to suck until Microsoft finally collapses under the weight of its own irrelevance and Apple can no longer market their products because they have no one to make fun of. The last two items on the above list are very near to my heart. The first, because it initially appears to make no sense, but once you think about it, it still doesn’t make any sense, but it has begun to form its own logic, as though from twigs and leaves, and you feel as though to understand it is to discover some deep and crucial secret of the universe. The last one, admittedly does not have anything to do with computers, but yet the homograph creates the link, and thus this site is found. This is perhaps the most beautiful aspect of the search engine, that occasionally it can connect two unrelated ideas in a random and interesting way.

bioshock recorders
last words in bioshock
bioshock screen flickers
bioshock percent complete screen
bioshock family review
can you spend the adam after killing atlas?
bioshock save atlas’ family
bioshock atlas family death
fisting a cream pie

A surprising number of people come here looking for Bioshock spoilers or information. I’m not really sure why this is, I’ve only written the one blog post about the game, and it was actually fairly negative. As when I wrote it, there still isn’t much too say about Bioshock; it’s a game with a brilliant idea that shoots out the frontal cortex of its brain during the final act. I don’t know what the fuck a Bioshock recorder is, or why so many people are so concerned over Atlas’ fake family. If the fisting a cream pie bit’s inclusion in this section confuses you, it is because it’s a phrase I included in my review. Personally I would love to meet the person who typed it in as a Google search, and I am honored that my blog is the first, and in fact only, site returned by this search.

And now we come to the dregs. Be prepared, for some of these searches exceed the FDA’s daily allotted allowance for awesome. I have prepared comments for each of these individually.

dreams are the window to the soul
Fuckin’ a. It seems my ironic use of clichés is finally paying off.

Did anyone take the Redux Bonus?
I don’t know, did they? Also, don’t you just love it when people ask questions to Google, as though it were some sort of living thing? Actually, that’s kind of a disquieting thought.

horsing around fucking
This is one idea I cannot support. I demand that my pornography be straightforward and orderly. There is no room for horsing around while fucking, someone could get injured.

silent vision loose pant
This is another of those ones where you look at it and you try to reconstruct the thought process of the person who entered it. The mind boggles at the idea of how vision can be silent, and what role the tightness of one’s pants plays in the whole affair.

not in cruelty not in wrath the reaper came today an angel visited this path -cube
I can see what they were going for here, but the way they formatted it makes it look as though “cube” is the signature of this quote.

stupid xtians
This one impresses me because my blog does not appear within the first ten pages of results. Whoever pulled out this one must really hate those fucking xtians.

fuck congress
Yeah, fuck those guys! Actually, most of them are pretty old, I don’t think I’d want to fuck them.

frenzied fucking
Wow, I very much doubt you found what you were looking for here.

cons of butter
Man, I just can’t decide if I should eat butter or not. I know, I’ll ask the Internet! After all, the Internet is well known for its reasoned and articulate debates. I feel certain that no one will make reference to the fat content of my ass.

Finally, I’d like to say a few words in conclusion. Here they are:

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Good night, everybody.