So It's Come To This...

I usually don’t like to talk about politics. People say this is because I am uninformed or apathetic, but neither is true. The real reason is because politics is where logic goes to die. It is a place where men of conviction solve their differences through sheer bluster and gnashing of teeth. Whenever I see a political “debate” all I can think of is French absurdists trying to determine whose hot air balloon is the fastest by throwing big piles of shoes at each other (maybe that metaphor is a bit too obtuse, point is these free soapbox hours are about the farthest you can get from an actual debate). I see all these things going on in the world, and then I ask the people who desire to represent me, what are you going to do about this? And all I hear is the constant warbling of turkeys.

This election year is being touted as the most important election of all time. Though I doubt that, as every election has been trumpeted as such since the beginning of our governmental system, it at least seems to be the one that weighs most heavily on the mind of the average citizen. The world scene has been eclipsed by this election, it casts a shadow which blots out all other news. Lots and lots of people are talking about little else. So, as I sit here, plotting my triumphant return from my long absence, it seem at last unavoidable, I must discuss that which I dread: the machinations of those who wish to rule.

First, I would like to talk about Sarah Palin. Actually, that is a lie; it is more like I must talk about Sarah Palin, and I’d like to get it out of the way. When she was first announced, my first reaction was, “who?” My next reaction was that of intrigue, at this handsome, well-groomed woman who kills moose with her bare hands. Then there was that period for the next couple of weeks where a new scandal would break about her every two hours. I mostly ignored these as reactionary hearsay, but I started to become worried that a few of these were sticking around, despite the fact that nobody cared anymore. In fact, the book banning and law enforcement scandals now appear to actually be backed up by credible evidence, yet nothing has come of it because the country has moved on to other things. As the weeks passed, I kept a suspicious eye on Ms. Palin, until finally that fateful interview aired. At last the truth came out: she is a dunderhead.

This woman is quite possibly the only Republican dumber than George W. Bush. It was obvious from the beginning that she was a half-assed publicity stunt, but good god, she is dumber than a bag of wet coats. She is a hand puppet being held up by a hand puppet. Honestly, I’m not sure she even realizes she’s running for Vice-President; it’s possible she thinks John McCain is some kind of magical troll who will grant her wishes if she says nice things about him.

Which brings us to McCain. What the fuck happened to this guy? A few years ago, he seemed like he had a pretty good head on his shoulders. True, I didn’t always agree with the guy, but at least he had the balls to be a pro-choice Republican. This guy didn’t care who he pissed off, and he made his own decisions. I don’t know if he suddenly incurred a large debt to the Republican National Committee, or if he’s just gone senile, but in his current state, McCain is just sad. They’ve made him fall in line idealistically with Bush, and when they forced Sarah Palin on him, they just cut off his balls completely.

Moving on, let’s talk about the economy. The economy sucks.

What? You wanted more? Ugh, fine.

As I am apparently a fierce goddamn romantic, I tend to see things in metaphor. And to me, the economy is a great big solid oak table, well built, and cluttered with stuff. The only problem is right now one of the legs is mottled and cracked, covered with duct tape and constantly creaking and quivering. If I were a self-important political cartoonist, the leg would be holding up a sign that says “Wall Street.” Now Congress has a choice. They can either put 700 billion dollars worth of duct tape on that leg, which ought to hold it for a while, or they can stand around and do nothing and wait for it to break (I guess the table metaphor isn’t perfect, because there’s no real world equivalent for “rip the leg off and replace it with a sturdy piece of wood,” but I still like it). Now, when the leg breaks, all the shit on the leg is going to come crashing down all over the fucking place: a catastrophe, right? Well, not really. I mean, most of that stuff was just books, so you can just pick them up and put them back on the table. True, your grandmother’s antique tea set is ruined, and you had a really nice watch sitting there that wasn’t shock resistant and now it keeps weird time, and you really wish you still had these things, but fuck, life goes on. There’s not going to be a depression over this crisis, it’s just a case of some idiots wanted to get richer, so they wished some phantom money into existence. It never occurred to them that that money would have to come from somewhere, and since it didn’t, the money turned back into ghosts, who stuffed their pockets with money and flew back away to whatever dimension they came from. Sure, I feel bad for the people who actually trusted and rely on those banks, but you can’t protect everybody from everything. Either way, bailout or no bailout, I think I’ll probably just take this thing in stride.

I suppose I should say something about the Democratic ticket. I feel the same way about Obama that I used to feel about McCain: his views skew a bit more liberal than mine, but he’s a real, intelligent person who is not just at the end of the strings of his political party. I don’t give a rat’s ass about Joe Biden. It could come out that Biden was at Disneyland, shitting into his hand and throwing it at people, and it still would not be enough to get me to care one way or the other about him.

So now you know how I feel about that thing that everyone’s talking about. I hope you enjoyed it. Now fuck off.