The detective pulled up, skidding his car across 3 lanes of traffic and into the side of an old brick building. His engine sputtered a few last words of regret before giving up the ghost and bursting into flames. The detective slammed the door, bending over the more convenient of the two engine block halves and lighting his cigarette on the flames. After taking a long drag, he sighed.
"This city is a piece of shit, and so's everyone in it." He paused, enjoying a moment of clarity. "Myself included," he added. He stubbed out his cigarette in the eye of a nearby St. Bernard, and began warming up his voice. "But," he mused, for no other reason than he enjoyed the exposition of his own life, "if I can win that talent competition tonight, I can be rid of this sorry little shit hole forever."
There were some things he would miss though. The old barkeep with the moldy eye, the bimonthly grope fest down at Synecdoche Lane, and all the lunches at Merv's Burger Joint, where the smiles were always free. Maybe the city wasn't such a bad place after all, but time had not been kind to the old detective. The years had hit him like a station wagon full of underage Nicaraguan love slaves. He had grown to loathe the city, and it loathed him back. Besides, he had already quit the force, taken his badge and shoved it straight down the chief's throat. He could probably get his job back after the surgery, but that would require him to muster more humility than he had.
So, his last hope in front of him, he hitched up his lucky singing pants and tightened his belt. There wasn't a bum in this city with a better singing voice than him, and he knew it. What he would have to watch out for were those cocky stunt performers, but he could see to that.
The first thing he saw as he entered the dressing area was a sword swallower practicing his act. The detective knew that nobody gave a fuck about sword-swallowing, but just to be safe, he brought his knee straight up into the fucker's gut. The sword swallower lurched forward, the blade that previously had filled his esophagus now protruding out his back. He collapsed onto the floor, either dead, or dead tired. One down.
Next up was the young upstart martial artist, doing all kinds of standing flips and flinging around a metal chain in a most impressive manner. The detective had to stop and think about this one for a moment. He looked around the room, his eyes finally resting upon a gargantuan fellow, tearing phone books in half while chewing down a giant concrete block. He called out to the chain fighter, "Hey kid!"
"What do you want, old man?"
"See that big guy over there? He, uh, he said your mom is a fag."
This remark caused a massive fight between the martial artist and the strong man. Such fights usually bored the detective, so he sat down and read a novel while all around him the foundation of the building was nearly shook loose. Finally, he heard a massive ripping sound, and looked up to see that both fighters had torn out each other's spines. They stood there, dead, still standing and unblinkingly staring each other down. Now there was only one act remaining that posed any threat to the detective. The juggler.
He approached the juggler, who was juggling some chainsaws that happened to be on fire. "Nice day we're having," the detective said. The juggler nodded at him cordially. Suddenly, the detective sprung his cunning plan into action! He drew his service revolver, and shot the man in both his kneecaps.
Finally, it was time to go on stage. The old man was rubbing his hands together in anticipation. He knew he had the talent, and with his lucky singing pants on, there was no way he could lose. As the opening strains of Strangers in the Night began to play, he ran out on stage, and at that one shining moment, everything was perfect. His singing was perfect, the crowd was swooning, and all eyes were on him and his stunning pants.
But as luck would have it, the detective's pants, like everyone else, hated him with a passion, and in the midst of his moment of pride, his pants betrayed him. As he hit the refrain, the detective could feel his pants noticeably tighten. At first he blamed it on the excitement, and the massive hard on he was getting from it, but the pants continued to tighten. He did his best to ignore it, but by "love was just a glance away," his voice had become a squeaky travesty. People in the audience began to boo, taking it as an insult against Frank Sinatra. Unable to continue singing, the old detective simply looked on in horror, finally collapsing on the stage. As the instrumental score blared on wordlessly from the loudspeakers behind him, his vision began to fade. He could no longer feel his pants tightening, the feeling had gone long ago. Defeated, he closed his eyes, leaned back, and with a slight whimper, died in a pool of his own shame.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Broken Mind
In my last post, I discussed how to set up a rational method for handling your decisions. In this post, I'd like to take a moment to lament those who are no longer capable of accessing those basic tools. The people who have dedicated their life so fully to a wrong idea that to even question it slightly would completely destroy them. I am talking about those defenders of the indefensible, ecclesiastical apologists.
I've never quite understood why these people exist. I mean, what idea could possibly be so important that you still cling to it, even after logic comes in and kicks its ass up and down the courtyard and pisses on its limp, unconscious body? What kind of person invests themselves that fully in an unproven concept? Certainly not a normal person. And it's true, these people are indeed far from normal. Obviously they believe, because otherwise why would they be defending such a ridiculous idea? Except that deep down, not a single one of them does. A person who truly believes does not need to resort to apologetics, because they have their faith to fall back on. If you are a religious person, and you have need to answer the claims of critics, it's only because somewhere inside of you, you hold those same concerns.
It's a shame too, because often these people are quite intelligent. They waste so much potential chasing logic in circles, melding lies and truth until they can no longer tell the difference between either, and paralyzing their minds with an astounding level of cognitive dissonance. For example, obviously an apologist knows what a logical fallacy is, they are quite adept at pointing them out, even when one doesn't actually exist. Yet to read their work, almost every significant statement contains at least one blatant fallacy. Or often they will play the post-modernist card, that nothing in life can really be known, so how can you prove my religion is false? This, of course, is the rhetorical equivalent of running out the door, turning off the lights, and shouting, "case closed!" as you disappear into the distance. And of course, there's the old uncited historical source routine. This is where they make a dubious claim, as if it were common knowledge, straight off the top of their heads, with absolutely nothing to back it up except maybe for a derisive guffaw. Do they not realize that they're using such weaselly methods? Hard to say, actually. It may just be another effect of the cog dis, or maybe they feel the need to lie to serve their end, although either way the intention is still about the same. To desperately defend this apparent lynch pin of your life, at all costs.
True, these people are to be pitied, but does that mean they are not to be mocked? Absolutely not, by all means, mock away. There's no need to poke holes in their arguments, because the holes are already there, and they're huge. These people aren't human, the more logic you throw at them, the more deranged and unpredictable they get. All your pity and good intentions will do is anger them. So just have a laugh with your friends about their flimsy argument, then move on and go about your business. And to help you feel better about what is essentially making fun of the mentally handicapped, let's take a moment to grant them more respect than they deserve. I propose ten seconds of silence, for the lost minds of the Christian apologists.
Starting now.
Ok, that's plenty. Fuck those guys.
I've never quite understood why these people exist. I mean, what idea could possibly be so important that you still cling to it, even after logic comes in and kicks its ass up and down the courtyard and pisses on its limp, unconscious body? What kind of person invests themselves that fully in an unproven concept? Certainly not a normal person. And it's true, these people are indeed far from normal. Obviously they believe, because otherwise why would they be defending such a ridiculous idea? Except that deep down, not a single one of them does. A person who truly believes does not need to resort to apologetics, because they have their faith to fall back on. If you are a religious person, and you have need to answer the claims of critics, it's only because somewhere inside of you, you hold those same concerns.
It's a shame too, because often these people are quite intelligent. They waste so much potential chasing logic in circles, melding lies and truth until they can no longer tell the difference between either, and paralyzing their minds with an astounding level of cognitive dissonance. For example, obviously an apologist knows what a logical fallacy is, they are quite adept at pointing them out, even when one doesn't actually exist. Yet to read their work, almost every significant statement contains at least one blatant fallacy. Or often they will play the post-modernist card, that nothing in life can really be known, so how can you prove my religion is false? This, of course, is the rhetorical equivalent of running out the door, turning off the lights, and shouting, "case closed!" as you disappear into the distance. And of course, there's the old uncited historical source routine. This is where they make a dubious claim, as if it were common knowledge, straight off the top of their heads, with absolutely nothing to back it up except maybe for a derisive guffaw. Do they not realize that they're using such weaselly methods? Hard to say, actually. It may just be another effect of the cog dis, or maybe they feel the need to lie to serve their end, although either way the intention is still about the same. To desperately defend this apparent lynch pin of your life, at all costs.
True, these people are to be pitied, but does that mean they are not to be mocked? Absolutely not, by all means, mock away. There's no need to poke holes in their arguments, because the holes are already there, and they're huge. These people aren't human, the more logic you throw at them, the more deranged and unpredictable they get. All your pity and good intentions will do is anger them. So just have a laugh with your friends about their flimsy argument, then move on and go about your business. And to help you feel better about what is essentially making fun of the mentally handicapped, let's take a moment to grant them more respect than they deserve. I propose ten seconds of silence, for the lost minds of the Christian apologists.
Starting now.
Ok, that's plenty. Fuck those guys.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A Reasonable Challenge
They say the two things you should never argue with anyone are religion and politics. These are said to be the two topics most likely to cause strife amongst otherwise friendly individuals, because in most cases the person has already made up their mind. But why would you make up your mind about something before you've even heard all the facts? And why bother even making up your mind in the first place, when new information could always come up?
The world is a complicated place, and it is often difficult to arrive at the truth. So, most people prefer to have the truth told to them. They latch on to the first person or group that seems to know what's going on and they parrot that entity's opinions as their own. And the worst thing is, everyone alive today has likely done this at one point or another.
Which isn't to say borrowing an opinion or two is a bad thing, far from it. There's a good chance that if you have any opinion on anything, there's going to be a decent number of people who share it with you. Hell, it's pretty likely that you'll find some people that agree with a lot of your opinions, which is fine, the problem is when you take it to the extreme.
The problem is compounded when we decide to make compromises. Maybe your affiliated political party takes a stance on social issues that you strongly agree with, and though you disagree with their economic stances you still support them because of how strongly you feel about their social agenda. Listen to me, you don't have to do this! Supporting the lesser of two evils only perpetuates more evil, it makes it easier for the evil to slip in. We've lost ourselves so much in the process of governing, and all the posturing that goes with it, that we've forgotten that it's supposed to be about results. We are no longer a government by, for, and of the people, but by the people, for the majority, and of the status quo. This is not how civilizations advance, this is not how we forge new truths about ourselves and our world. But we can get back on track, if we follow some simple steps.
First off, we need to forget the phrase, "I can't make a difference, I'm only one person." This is the rallying cry of the anti-revolutionaries, the banner of the banal, the perpetuator of the pragmatic. This is the reason we have two big political parties who justify their existence mainly as an attempt to piss off the other one. These people are so concerned with garnering votes and perpetuating their public selves that they no longer have any souls. They make all their decisions based on being as inoffensive as possible, and to get your vote they will lie straight to your face. And if you're casting your vote based on who is more likely to win, then guess what, you're one of them. Besides, if you believe your vote is just a drop in the sea anyway, then it doesn't matter where you put your drop, right? Better to vote for what you believe in, and wait for the world to do the same.
But what do you believe in now? Not so easy now that you're thinking on your own, is it? Well, don't sweat it too much, just do what you should do in any difficult situation, start small. Pick any single, specific issue, and just research the fuck out of it. Read the arguments of both sides, and read the rebuttals to those arguments. Try to search out anything you can find on it, no matter how small, no matter how crazy the opinions you find. Just bury yourself in information about this one thing, and eventually things will start to look clear. Don't worry, you don't have to do this every time, because eventually you'll start to see patterns. You'll recognize phrases that should raise a red flag, or you'll discover what kind of wording someone will use when they're trying to hide something. And it will get easier and easier to craft an informed opinion.
Now, as I mentioned up front, the hardest thing to do in the world is to change a person's mind once they've already made it up, so I'm not deluded enough to think that I'm going to make much of a difference here. In fact, there's a very good chance I'm simply shouting into the dark. But here I am, because even if I can't solve the problem, at least I don't have to be a part of it. If I can get through to even one person, that's fantastic, but even if not, I can rest easy tonight knowing that at least I tried.
The world is a complicated place, and it is often difficult to arrive at the truth. So, most people prefer to have the truth told to them. They latch on to the first person or group that seems to know what's going on and they parrot that entity's opinions as their own. And the worst thing is, everyone alive today has likely done this at one point or another.
Which isn't to say borrowing an opinion or two is a bad thing, far from it. There's a good chance that if you have any opinion on anything, there's going to be a decent number of people who share it with you. Hell, it's pretty likely that you'll find some people that agree with a lot of your opinions, which is fine, the problem is when you take it to the extreme.
The problem is compounded when we decide to make compromises. Maybe your affiliated political party takes a stance on social issues that you strongly agree with, and though you disagree with their economic stances you still support them because of how strongly you feel about their social agenda. Listen to me, you don't have to do this! Supporting the lesser of two evils only perpetuates more evil, it makes it easier for the evil to slip in. We've lost ourselves so much in the process of governing, and all the posturing that goes with it, that we've forgotten that it's supposed to be about results. We are no longer a government by, for, and of the people, but by the people, for the majority, and of the status quo. This is not how civilizations advance, this is not how we forge new truths about ourselves and our world. But we can get back on track, if we follow some simple steps.
First off, we need to forget the phrase, "I can't make a difference, I'm only one person." This is the rallying cry of the anti-revolutionaries, the banner of the banal, the perpetuator of the pragmatic. This is the reason we have two big political parties who justify their existence mainly as an attempt to piss off the other one. These people are so concerned with garnering votes and perpetuating their public selves that they no longer have any souls. They make all their decisions based on being as inoffensive as possible, and to get your vote they will lie straight to your face. And if you're casting your vote based on who is more likely to win, then guess what, you're one of them. Besides, if you believe your vote is just a drop in the sea anyway, then it doesn't matter where you put your drop, right? Better to vote for what you believe in, and wait for the world to do the same.
But what do you believe in now? Not so easy now that you're thinking on your own, is it? Well, don't sweat it too much, just do what you should do in any difficult situation, start small. Pick any single, specific issue, and just research the fuck out of it. Read the arguments of both sides, and read the rebuttals to those arguments. Try to search out anything you can find on it, no matter how small, no matter how crazy the opinions you find. Just bury yourself in information about this one thing, and eventually things will start to look clear. Don't worry, you don't have to do this every time, because eventually you'll start to see patterns. You'll recognize phrases that should raise a red flag, or you'll discover what kind of wording someone will use when they're trying to hide something. And it will get easier and easier to craft an informed opinion.
Now, as I mentioned up front, the hardest thing to do in the world is to change a person's mind once they've already made it up, so I'm not deluded enough to think that I'm going to make much of a difference here. In fact, there's a very good chance I'm simply shouting into the dark. But here I am, because even if I can't solve the problem, at least I don't have to be a part of it. If I can get through to even one person, that's fantastic, but even if not, I can rest easy tonight knowing that at least I tried.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Horsing Around
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
--A popular children's rhyme
My entire life, I've always had a problem with this passage. Apparently this anthropomorphic egg man is the king's favorite son, and when he's hurt, the king sends all kinds of aid to attempt to reassemble the poor guy. Including horses.
...
What the fuck?
Why horses? What the fuck can horses do in this situation, besides stomp on the fragments in futility? No wonder he couldn't be put back together, if your A-team consists of fucking horses. Obviously, this guy completely ignored the First Law that governs the universe:
Horses are no good for anything.
You gonna trust horses to perform open heart surgery? To cure polio? To save millions of starving people, Norman Borlaug style? Of course not, because horses are terrible.
Don't believe me? Fine, just take a look at these Horse Facts:
Why do we bother to keep around something that's been made obsolete by bicycles and the combustion engine? Because if we let them go, they're too dumb to survive on their own. That's right, horses only exist because we're too fucking nice to let them die. What do we call an organism that needs another organism to sustain it? That's right, HORSES ARE A PARASITE ON HUMANITY.
Seriously, fuck those equine bastards.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
--A popular children's rhyme
My entire life, I've always had a problem with this passage. Apparently this anthropomorphic egg man is the king's favorite son, and when he's hurt, the king sends all kinds of aid to attempt to reassemble the poor guy. Including horses.
...
What the fuck?
Why horses? What the fuck can horses do in this situation, besides stomp on the fragments in futility? No wonder he couldn't be put back together, if your A-team consists of fucking horses. Obviously, this guy completely ignored the First Law that governs the universe:
Horses are no good for anything.
You gonna trust horses to perform open heart surgery? To cure polio? To save millions of starving people, Norman Borlaug style? Of course not, because horses are terrible.
Don't believe me? Fine, just take a look at these Horse Facts:
- First and foremost, horses suck ass.
- Machines are better than horses in every category except shitting.
- Horses caused the Holocaust(look it up, Hitler was just trying to please his horse).
- Horse farts cause more pollution than cars(believe it or not, they actually do).
- They're ugly, and they smell bad.
- Seriously, the smell, it's fucking terrible.
Why do we bother to keep around something that's been made obsolete by bicycles and the combustion engine? Because if we let them go, they're too dumb to survive on their own. That's right, horses only exist because we're too fucking nice to let them die. What do we call an organism that needs another organism to sustain it? That's right, HORSES ARE A PARASITE ON HUMANITY.
Seriously, fuck those equine bastards.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
That Oh-So-Special Time of Year
A brief history of myself: Every year, right at around exactly this time of year, every single fucking plant decides to bloom on the exact same day, assaulting me with their airborne flower sperm. The second I inhale the aforementioned plant essence, within my body a passing white blood cell will see this harmless gamete, slam on the brakes, get on its radio and shout, "holy fuck, everyone, the goddamn Ebola virus is here!" Then, because my entire immune system is apparently retarded, it will allocate all of its resources to eradicating this taciturn invader. Which leaves me coughing, and sneezing, and dripping out of various orifices, but that's only the beginning. See, while my body mounts "Operation: Kill the Fuck out of That Thing," a real threat will slip in undetected, that exceptional bastard, the common cold. Suddenly, I feel like I've just been punched in the head, and am now coughing and dripping twice as much as before. To make matters worse, I have a very acute form of asthma, which pretty much only gets activated during this deathly time of year, so during the thrall I will often have coughing fits, which will only resolve themselves after they've induced a small amount of vomiting.
I was planning on finishing the week with a proper post, but since right now all I can think of right now is how miserable I am, here you go. Now, so that you'll take actually take something away from this post, here is another link to a random song.
I was planning on finishing the week with a proper post, but since right now all I can think of right now is how miserable I am, here you go. Now, so that you'll take actually take something away from this post, here is another link to a random song.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Joy and Joy
Few things in life are universal. Outside of basic survival necessities, there is only one thing that humans universally strive for, and that is joy. We all want to experience unrelenting, pure, deep joy, a rush of orgasmic energy that runs from inside our hearts all the way to just past the reach of our fingertips. We want to experience a high to inspire us to climb to the highest peak available to us, and shout about how unbelievably wonderful every little thing is, so that everyone in the goddamn world can hear us. The desire to feel this is the one thing that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom, in fact, you could say that this desire is the single defining quality of humanity. We seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
A philandering conman once formed a faith around the concept that "men are that they might have joy." Of course, he was using it to gain money, power, and women, but the idea rang true with his followers. As well it should, joy is a compelling thing, but people are capable of doing some terrible things to get or give it.
In his book, The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins made the claim that religion is the source of all war. Which is close, the problem is religion is not the disease, it is the symptom. Joy is the disease. It is that which every religion promises to its dedicated followers, happiness by the bowel-full. And because we all essentially love each other, that which impedes the perceived source of happiness is something to be hated. Even though this certainly very accurately describes religion, the various faiths do not own a monopoly on the tactics of joy warfare.
In fact, we experience it every day. It annoys us when people take a separate path from us in the pursuit of that which makes them happy. Even the small things. Admit it, when someone doesn't like your favorite movie, it disappoints you on a minuscule level. When someone says they listen to a musician you can't stand, you silently wonder if they should seek professional help. And when someone says that the scientific research of Norman Borlaug is unethical, you want to punch their fucking lights out. Is it at all surprising, then, that people are willing to kill or even be killed themselves for an ideology?
People will always find some new thing to go to war over, whether it be political ideology, racial differences, land ownership, or they just plain don't like each other. And I'll bet you think I'm going to point out the excellent two part South Park arc "Go, God, Go" here, and in fact you're right. However, I'm not going to side with it. There just isn't any way real, true scientists could get worked up enough to kill each other over any disagreement. This is because if the scientific method is adhered to, the results are indisputable. The only thing that can be considered questionable are the methods used. Yet there is a certain subtle joy associated with science. There is great pleasure to be had in understanding the atom and its properties. The forces which govern the way our little planet hurtles through space are frankly quite astounding. And Bernoulli's principle has an undeniable elegance in its simple elements that produce amazing results.
Religion, politics, and other ideologies are attractive because they make the blood run hot. They are absolute and infallible. They can be very rewarding, but they also serve to divide and isolate us. Science, however, runs cold. Its answers are less attractive because they're incomplete, and they always will be. The scientific community is the first to admit that mistakes are made. But at the heart of it, it can provide that same type of joy and meaning, perhaps even more meaningfully, and more importantly, it unites us. Science, like justice, is blind, it doesn't favor anyone or anything. It is not afraid to offend, but at the same time it doesn't go out of its way to. I really do think the world would be a better place if less people went around embracing tautologies, and instead gave logic a try. Yes, what we really need more of, is science.
A philandering conman once formed a faith around the concept that "men are that they might have joy." Of course, he was using it to gain money, power, and women, but the idea rang true with his followers. As well it should, joy is a compelling thing, but people are capable of doing some terrible things to get or give it.
In his book, The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins made the claim that religion is the source of all war. Which is close, the problem is religion is not the disease, it is the symptom. Joy is the disease. It is that which every religion promises to its dedicated followers, happiness by the bowel-full. And because we all essentially love each other, that which impedes the perceived source of happiness is something to be hated. Even though this certainly very accurately describes religion, the various faiths do not own a monopoly on the tactics of joy warfare.
In fact, we experience it every day. It annoys us when people take a separate path from us in the pursuit of that which makes them happy. Even the small things. Admit it, when someone doesn't like your favorite movie, it disappoints you on a minuscule level. When someone says they listen to a musician you can't stand, you silently wonder if they should seek professional help. And when someone says that the scientific research of Norman Borlaug is unethical, you want to punch their fucking lights out. Is it at all surprising, then, that people are willing to kill or even be killed themselves for an ideology?
People will always find some new thing to go to war over, whether it be political ideology, racial differences, land ownership, or they just plain don't like each other. And I'll bet you think I'm going to point out the excellent two part South Park arc "Go, God, Go" here, and in fact you're right. However, I'm not going to side with it. There just isn't any way real, true scientists could get worked up enough to kill each other over any disagreement. This is because if the scientific method is adhered to, the results are indisputable. The only thing that can be considered questionable are the methods used. Yet there is a certain subtle joy associated with science. There is great pleasure to be had in understanding the atom and its properties. The forces which govern the way our little planet hurtles through space are frankly quite astounding. And Bernoulli's principle has an undeniable elegance in its simple elements that produce amazing results.
Religion, politics, and other ideologies are attractive because they make the blood run hot. They are absolute and infallible. They can be very rewarding, but they also serve to divide and isolate us. Science, however, runs cold. Its answers are less attractive because they're incomplete, and they always will be. The scientific community is the first to admit that mistakes are made. But at the heart of it, it can provide that same type of joy and meaning, perhaps even more meaningfully, and more importantly, it unites us. Science, like justice, is blind, it doesn't favor anyone or anything. It is not afraid to offend, but at the same time it doesn't go out of its way to. I really do think the world would be a better place if less people went around embracing tautologies, and instead gave logic a try. Yes, what we really need more of, is science.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Mac vs PC Round 2
In the last round, Mac won just 1 point out of a possible 12. Now, as we have 11 more commercials to get through, and since nobody reads introductions anyway, fart testicles onomatopoeia, let's watch some movies while I make sarcastic remarks!
Self-Pity
Hey look, he's wearing a suit! It's okay, you can start taking us seriously again because our guy is wearing a suit! He's still rocking the chin pubes, but now he's responsible and shit. On an unrelated note, this much-touted Microsoft Office costs $350. Open Office costs 350 less dollars than that, and is multiplatform to boot.
Better Results
Looks like iMovie takes this contest. By the way, the word professional has been changed to mean "timeline of crap you shot with your friends with no real way sense of flow or timing." Just try to limit the cheesy pseudo-3d transition effects to like, 4 or 5 times per minute, guys. It's called restraint.
Counselor
This one marks a turning point for the series. At this point, the ads had been running for a while, and it seems people were identifying more with the PC Guy (which, can you blame them, being played by the infinitely huggable John Hodgman), so they started making his character into an asshole for no apparent reason. This also marks the point where they stop being intentionally funny.
Meant for Work
Why John Hodgman is funny as a crotchety old man should be apparent to everybody except the people who wrote this ad. He's charming, lovable, and has a natural wit. He couldn't be offensive to anybody even if he were eating a live puppy while singing an original song entitled "Hitler is My Best Friend in the World" (At the same time, how impressive). As for the message of this commercial, it's hard to argue with. If you want to buy your kids a two thousand dollar toy, get them a Mac.
Sales Pitch
Little known fact: this ad was created for the Bizarro world, where Macs vastly outnumber PCs. It found its way into our world when somebody made a paradox by creating a grape soda commercial that was totally fucking awesome. Any time it aired, it punched a hole in the space-time continuum, and we saw this ad instead.
Gift Exchange
AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING iPHOTO! GOD-FUCK-A-DOODLE-SHIT-ASS-CUNT-MOTHER-FUCKING-ASS-BANDIT-COCKSUCKER-CHIN-PUBE-RAPSCALLION!!!! He printed out a photo album, he's not fucking Norman Borlaug.
Goodwill
Man, you guys are just determined to portray Hodgman as a baby-stomping monster, aren't you? "Look, not only does he hate children, he hates Christmas too!" The man just doesn't have a mean spirited bone in his body, that's why it's so funny watching him play such a sociopath.
Surgery
Yeah, he's right, all that upgrading bullshit is for losers! What am I, a scientician? I can't put these "doodads" into my "thinky box." Lucky for me, I own a Mac, so all I have to do is buy a brand new compooter! How do I know when it's time to empty my wallet? Simple, when I install the latest update and everything starts chugging! Why it's so easy, even a baby could do it. If it had a lot of money. And a credit card. And a shipping address.
Sabotage
It's actually getting to the point where Justin Long doesn't even have to be in the commercials anymore. Hodgman could just come out, take a dump on some orphans, and then say, "Don't buy a Mac."
Tech Support
Yep, nothing says wave of the future like a camera the size of a pinhole. Remember in grade school science class when you made a pinhole camera out of a shoebox and it didn't fucking work? Well now you can bring that kind of wonder to the digital world! With it you can take a picture of your face, GRAINY CELL PHONE STYLE! The possibilities are endless! You could take a picture of you smiling, or you sticking out your tongue, or show how much of a rebel you are by flipping off your own camera like you just don't give a shit! I guess the possibilities aren't endless after all, but THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THREE!
Security
Making fun of Vista is like shooting a retarded kid, it's too easy, should be illegal, and if you miss, it can only mean you're even more retarded. Vista's security software may be shitty, but it's a hell of a lot more grand than nothing. To confuse an already confusing gun metaphor, you don't challenge someone to a gunfight and then show up holding nothing but a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Because the other guy probably has a gun. Or maybe he just has a really pointy rock, but hey, still better than you.
Well, I hope you enjoyed joining me on this long and pointless excuse to post a bunch of YouTube clips in an effort to do as little real work as possible. And in the likely event that any of these clips get taken down, let me know, and I'll be sure to replace them with this video of an adorable Japanese kitten:
Self-Pity
Hey look, he's wearing a suit! It's okay, you can start taking us seriously again because our guy is wearing a suit! He's still rocking the chin pubes, but now he's responsible and shit. On an unrelated note, this much-touted Microsoft Office costs $350. Open Office costs 350 less dollars than that, and is multiplatform to boot.
Better Results
Looks like iMovie takes this contest. By the way, the word professional has been changed to mean "timeline of crap you shot with your friends with no real way sense of flow or timing." Just try to limit the cheesy pseudo-3d transition effects to like, 4 or 5 times per minute, guys. It's called restraint.
Counselor
This one marks a turning point for the series. At this point, the ads had been running for a while, and it seems people were identifying more with the PC Guy (which, can you blame them, being played by the infinitely huggable John Hodgman), so they started making his character into an asshole for no apparent reason. This also marks the point where they stop being intentionally funny.
Meant for Work
Why John Hodgman is funny as a crotchety old man should be apparent to everybody except the people who wrote this ad. He's charming, lovable, and has a natural wit. He couldn't be offensive to anybody even if he were eating a live puppy while singing an original song entitled "Hitler is My Best Friend in the World" (At the same time, how impressive). As for the message of this commercial, it's hard to argue with. If you want to buy your kids a two thousand dollar toy, get them a Mac.
Sales Pitch
Little known fact: this ad was created for the Bizarro world, where Macs vastly outnumber PCs. It found its way into our world when somebody made a paradox by creating a grape soda commercial that was totally fucking awesome. Any time it aired, it punched a hole in the space-time continuum, and we saw this ad instead.
Gift Exchange
AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING iPHOTO! GOD-FUCK-A-DOODLE-SHIT-ASS-CUNT-MOTHER-FUCKING-ASS-BANDIT-COCKSUCKER-CHIN-PUBE-RAPSCALLION!!!! He printed out a photo album, he's not fucking Norman Borlaug.
Goodwill
Man, you guys are just determined to portray Hodgman as a baby-stomping monster, aren't you? "Look, not only does he hate children, he hates Christmas too!" The man just doesn't have a mean spirited bone in his body, that's why it's so funny watching him play such a sociopath.
Surgery
Yeah, he's right, all that upgrading bullshit is for losers! What am I, a scientician? I can't put these "doodads" into my "thinky box." Lucky for me, I own a Mac, so all I have to do is buy a brand new compooter! How do I know when it's time to empty my wallet? Simple, when I install the latest update and everything starts chugging! Why it's so easy, even a baby could do it. If it had a lot of money. And a credit card. And a shipping address.
Sabotage
It's actually getting to the point where Justin Long doesn't even have to be in the commercials anymore. Hodgman could just come out, take a dump on some orphans, and then say, "Don't buy a Mac."
Tech Support
Yep, nothing says wave of the future like a camera the size of a pinhole. Remember in grade school science class when you made a pinhole camera out of a shoebox and it didn't fucking work? Well now you can bring that kind of wonder to the digital world! With it you can take a picture of your face, GRAINY CELL PHONE STYLE! The possibilities are endless! You could take a picture of you smiling, or you sticking out your tongue, or show how much of a rebel you are by flipping off your own camera like you just don't give a shit! I guess the possibilities aren't endless after all, but THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THREE!
Security
Making fun of Vista is like shooting a retarded kid, it's too easy, should be illegal, and if you miss, it can only mean you're even more retarded. Vista's security software may be shitty, but it's a hell of a lot more grand than nothing. To confuse an already confusing gun metaphor, you don't challenge someone to a gunfight and then show up holding nothing but a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Because the other guy probably has a gun. Or maybe he just has a really pointy rock, but hey, still better than you.
Well, I hope you enjoyed joining me on this long and pointless excuse to post a bunch of YouTube clips in an effort to do as little real work as possible. And in the likely event that any of these clips get taken down, let me know, and I'll be sure to replace them with this video of an adorable Japanese kitten:
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Hello, I'm a SHITTY COMPUTER
Don't even try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Watch any tv show, at any time of day and you'll see at least one of these ads. You know, the ones with two guys standing against a white background, one of them is Justin Long looking unwashed and hipster cool, and the other is that hilarious guy from the Daily Show wearing a tweedy suit and generally acting like a complete dork (that's no act, that's just the lovable charm of John Hodgman, and you should buy his book, The Areas of My Expertise).
While these commercials are surprisingly hilarious, and even more surprisingly, intentionally so (or at least they started that way, more on that later), they have the notable handicap of having to sell a product that costs twice as much money and is capable of doing less. How do they accomplish this goal? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is simple, they lie their stinking five hundred dollar designer jeans off. So, partly out of a dedication to truth, justice, and two button mice, and partly just because they're damn funny and I want to collect them all in one place, here is my annotated list of every commercial in the creatively named series, "Get a Mac."
WSJ
Yes, if it's printed in a newspaper, it must be true! They wouldn't print just anything, you know. They've got standards.
Network
First off, what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Secondly, did Apple stop following PC trends in 1996? I don't have to install shit to get my Windows machine to grab anything off any device I can plug into those curiously square holes. Also, I'd like to point out that the last time Macs had this advantage, they looked like this.
iLife
Perhaps the most convincing argument yet. Yes, only a Mac comes with simplified, stripped down versions of programs straight out of the box! Hmm, maybe that's why Macs are so expensive. That extra thousand dollars is going to pay for programs you can find for free on a real computer.
Better
Now here's a winning strategy, start your commercial by pointing out your complete lack of basic office software, and how you eventually had to license your competitor's software just so your computer would have basic functionality. Then after a surprising bit of honesty, it's back to more lies.
Restarting
Occasionally, I find myself having to use a Mac for some purpose, usually because I'm in a public place and have no other option. This commercial is nothing but a bold-faced lie, as I can attest that the accursed things still freeze up quite often, usually 2 or 3 times each session. And thanks to the amazing design decision of not including a reset button, you have to pull the power plug to restart it. I haven't had Windows randomly freeze on me ONCE in the last seven years.
Viruses
Of course, there aren't any viruses for Macs, not because of security, but just because so few people use Macs that nobody is really interested in creating viruses for them.
Work vs. Home
So, Windows based PCs are not only incapable of displaying pictures, but what few graphics they can display are only in grayscale? Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.
Touché
Quick, before anyone can make the obvious response to our weak claim, let's cover it up with a raging straw man fallacy! Touché!
Out of the Box
Unless your BRAND NEW MAC looks like this, we've got another damned lie on our hands.
Trust Mac
Vote Jim Milquetoast for US Senate! A man you can trust, because he's so damn boring, criminals are totally disinterested in associating with him! And he can't ever be corrupted, because he has no friends! Damn you, Jim Milquetoast, you may have logic on your side this time, but I swear I will win the day in the end! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, what the fuck was I talking about again?
Angel/Devil
Man, they sure love that iPhoto program, don't they? I don't think I can come up with anything more to say about fucking iPhoto. iPhoto is not the goddamn savior of the universe, STOP RAMMING IT DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS! Seriously.
Accident
...
...
Okay, even I have to admit that little connector is fucking awesome. Damn, I wish I had one of those.
Fine Mac, you've won 1 point out out of 12 this round. Stay tuned for the second, and final (at least for now) round, coming soon.
While these commercials are surprisingly hilarious, and even more surprisingly, intentionally so (or at least they started that way, more on that later), they have the notable handicap of having to sell a product that costs twice as much money and is capable of doing less. How do they accomplish this goal? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is simple, they lie their stinking five hundred dollar designer jeans off. So, partly out of a dedication to truth, justice, and two button mice, and partly just because they're damn funny and I want to collect them all in one place, here is my annotated list of every commercial in the creatively named series, "Get a Mac."
WSJ
Yes, if it's printed in a newspaper, it must be true! They wouldn't print just anything, you know. They've got standards.
Network
First off, what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Secondly, did Apple stop following PC trends in 1996? I don't have to install shit to get my Windows machine to grab anything off any device I can plug into those curiously square holes. Also, I'd like to point out that the last time Macs had this advantage, they looked like this.
iLife
Perhaps the most convincing argument yet. Yes, only a Mac comes with simplified, stripped down versions of programs straight out of the box! Hmm, maybe that's why Macs are so expensive. That extra thousand dollars is going to pay for programs you can find for free on a real computer.
Better
Now here's a winning strategy, start your commercial by pointing out your complete lack of basic office software, and how you eventually had to license your competitor's software just so your computer would have basic functionality. Then after a surprising bit of honesty, it's back to more lies.
Restarting
Occasionally, I find myself having to use a Mac for some purpose, usually because I'm in a public place and have no other option. This commercial is nothing but a bold-faced lie, as I can attest that the accursed things still freeze up quite often, usually 2 or 3 times each session. And thanks to the amazing design decision of not including a reset button, you have to pull the power plug to restart it. I haven't had Windows randomly freeze on me ONCE in the last seven years.
Viruses
Of course, there aren't any viruses for Macs, not because of security, but just because so few people use Macs that nobody is really interested in creating viruses for them.
Work vs. Home
So, Windows based PCs are not only incapable of displaying pictures, but what few graphics they can display are only in grayscale? Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.
Touché
Quick, before anyone can make the obvious response to our weak claim, let's cover it up with a raging straw man fallacy! Touché!
Out of the Box
Unless your BRAND NEW MAC looks like this, we've got another damned lie on our hands.
Trust Mac
Vote Jim Milquetoast for US Senate! A man you can trust, because he's so damn boring, criminals are totally disinterested in associating with him! And he can't ever be corrupted, because he has no friends! Damn you, Jim Milquetoast, you may have logic on your side this time, but I swear I will win the day in the end! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, what the fuck was I talking about again?
Angel/Devil
Man, they sure love that iPhoto program, don't they? I don't think I can come up with anything more to say about fucking iPhoto. iPhoto is not the goddamn savior of the universe, STOP RAMMING IT DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS! Seriously.
Accident
...
...
Okay, even I have to admit that little connector is fucking awesome. Damn, I wish I had one of those.
Fine Mac, you've won 1 point out out of 12 this round. Stay tuned for the second, and final (at least for now) round, coming soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)