An Heavenly Encounter

Attention Internets: This very night I was visited by our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I was sleeping, and all of a sudden there was a bright light and a choir of angels, and Jesus was standing right there in my bedroom. Luckily, I had a tape recorder by my bed (it came with my review copy of Bioshock), and I was able to capture our entire conversation. Here is the transcript of that meeting:


ME
Jesus Christ!

JESUS
Sup, bro?

ME
Um, nothing much. What’s up with you, Jesus?

JESUS
I’m chill, man. You know, takin’ it easy.

ME
Um, what are you doing here, Jesus?

JESUS
I’ve come to help you out, bro. Show you the way, and shit. Teach you how to live your life, you dig?

ME
Okay... Sure, tell me how I should live my life.

JESUS
You should never be a dick to anyone, man. Just, like, be cool to people. Be a nice guy, like, help old ladies across the street and shit. You know, shit like that.

ME
So, you came into my room in the middle of the night, to tell me to be nice to people?

JESUS
Yeah, man, the good works and shit.

ME
You know, Jesus, I kind of already knew that.

JESUS
Oh, shit man, sorry, my bad. I should have known you’d have your shit together. Fuck, I’m sorry, bro.

ME
It’s okay, Jesus.

JESUS
Naw, man, I was like serious out of line. I crossed a line, I’m so sorry, dude.

ME
Dude, you couldn’t have known. I mean, you’ve been dead for like two thousand years.

JESUS
Aw, buzzkill, man. Are you serious? Am I really all corpsed up?

ME
Yeah, they nailed you to a piece of wood.

JESUS
Oh shit, yeah, I remember that shit now. That was a bad fuckin’ day, you know?

ME
That’s gotta be unpleasant.

JESUS
Shit. Well hey, man, if you already know all that shit, does that mean you’re gonna join my church?

ME
Which one is yours?

JESUS
Fuck, I can’t remember that shit, man. Ummm... Scientology?

ME
Scientology, really?

JESUS
I don’t know, man. I think it starts with an “S.” Or maybe it was an “F.” Ah fuck it, my church is full of assholes anyway, you probably wouldn’t like it.

ME
You’re probably right.

JESUS
Well, bro, I guess I should be going. Get some fucking sleep, man. Oh, and hey, hit me up sometime. We’ll rock some mad ping pong.

ME
Jesus, I am terrible at ping pong.

JESUS
Shit man, me too. I don’t even know why I fucking like it so much.

At this point Jesus laughs for about two minutes, nonstop. Seriously.

JESUS
Hey, you got my cell number?

ME
No, Jesus, I don’t think I do.

JESUS
Hold on a sec.
(he pats down his robe)
Ah, fuck! Where the hell is that shit? Man, I hate this fucking robe. Shit is always falling out of it. Not cool.

ME
I’m sorry, Jesus. Maybe you should buy a pair of pants or something?

JESUS
Yeah, I should do that, shouldn’t I? See, this is why I love you man, you’re a fucking genius, you’ve got all the great plans. Well hey, maybe I’ll just see you around.

ME
Sure thing, Jesus. I’ll see you around.

JESUS
Later, bro.


END TRANSCRIPT


And with that, he vanished. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I guess Jesus is a pretty cool guy. A little scatterbrained, but a decent dude nonetheless. Also, he smelled really... herbal. Not really sure what to make of that.

Hopefully I’ll see him again. I don’t know, where does Jesus like to hang out? The mall? Does anyone know? If anyone knows where I can find Jesus, drop me a line. Anyway, I’m going to go do as the savior-man suggested and catch some more Zs. Good night, Internet.