Seriously, what is up with the Olympics(TM/MC)? Who the hell watches the Olympics(TM/MC)? A lot of people, actually. Or at least, a lot of people follow it. But all it amounts to in the end is a sort of "my dad can beat up your dad" affair, with nations standing in for the parental units. Everyone's all a twitter(tm) about how many medals their country has, and how many golds, or silvers (bronze is for losers, nobody cares about bronze). The thing is, after all is said and done, and the epic pissing contest is over, nobody actually cares. Quick, how many gold medals did the US take in 1984? If you answered anything but, "I have no fucking idea," then I hate you.
So it is that every couple years, Olympic Fever(TM/MC/R/TFTP) absolutely sweeps the nation (I can't really speak for the world on this one. It's entirely possible that they have the same policy of going out of the heads for two weeks and then never speaking of it again, which would leave me with absolutely no point of reference for this sort of thing). We hear names of past champions, spoken with reverence, and then their names are sealed into a jar, and placed into a dark cellar, the door carefully locked from the outside, remaining unheard and un-uttered for four years until we once again steal into the cellar and excitedly pry all the jars open to bask in the raw blinding light of the names of these kings of athletes, like being in the presence of God(TM) himself for two glorious weeks!
Perhaps the Olympics(TM/MC) simply aren't my thing, you might say. Well, I might say, why don't you go cram some dicks into your mouth? Seriously, go eat a dick, and another dick, and another, until you have a thousand dicks in your mouth, and you choke to death on dicks. Or, to put it another way, shut up. Show me someone for whom the Olympics(TM/MC) are their thing. And don't tell me some athlete, that's like saying that the world paste eating championships are important because people train day and night so they can someday swallow gallons of paste in a single sitting and finally earn the recognition that they are exceptional at what they do. And if you have a problem with that example because I just made it up, then here is my rebuttal: dog shows. Just because you can fill a stadium doesn't mean that what you are doing is noteworthy.
And finally, lest you suggest that I am simply not classy enough to appreciate the Olympics, I shall remind you that I am hella classy. Of this there can be no doubt. Take, for example, this comic:
See? I totally could have had the ass holding the gun between its cheeks. But I didn't. Because I'm classy.
In conclusion, fuck the Olympics(TM/I-don't-even-care-about-this-joke-anymore).
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