Okay, so my plan did not go so well. Even though I sent my manuscript out to every publisher and built up a good buzz here on my blog, nearly 48 hours have gone by without anyone offering me a contract. But that’s when I realized: not everyone makes it that way. The number of unknown authors who get novels published on their first try is actually quite small (who knew?). So instead of starting at the top, I guess I’ve got to find a somewhat thankless writing job and work my way up from there. Fortunately, I have already acquired that job, writing jokes for the Good Humour Popsicle Corporation. And I’m so excited, I can’t just sit around furtively watching small children slowly eat popsicles just so I can get some feedback on my work, so I’ve decided to share my first batch here. Please let me know what you think.
Q: Why did the dentist bring a file to work?
A: He was feeling a little long in the tooth.
Q: Why did the elephant buy a PDA?
A: It needed help managing its tusks.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: That sentence contains no verb, and therefore is grammatically meaningless.
Q: Why did the alligator cross the road?
A: It was anti-semetic and there were some Jewish people next to it.
Q: How much did the chicken’s abortion cost?
A: A poultry sum.
Q: Why did the rubber fly off the dick?
A: It was pissed off.
(credit to your friend, the fool for this one)
Q: Why did the rabbit shoot itself in the head?
A: It was having a hare-ible day.
Q: In which country can a horse be king?
A: France.
Q: Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
A: Because he is a naughty child, and he will rot in the pit of Perdition for all eternity for his crime, where ravenous birds will peck apart his flesh for all eternity, and every night his flesh will be restored so that the monstrous process can begin anew.
Q: What did Hitler say to his chamber pot?
A: I don’t know, I don’t speak German.
Q: What did the snow say to the mountain?
A: “I’m better than you in every way. Including sexual performance.”
Q: What was the name of Shakespeare’s dog?
A: Fuckface.
Q: What is the worst crime?
A: Raping and murdering one’s own entire extended family, then blowing up a very important bridge.
UPDATE: I’ve been fired!
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