Say Brian, have you heard the latest news?
BRIAN
I am unsure as to which news you are referring.
NATHANIEL
It seems that 99% of all homicides are, in fact, committed by rabbits. They’ve got to be stopped, Brian, we’ve got to bring an end to the killing.
BRIAN
That seems like a dubious claim, Nathaniel.
NATHANIEL
Ah, but I’m afraid it is true. Why there could be rabbits in your house RIGHT NOW, killing your children.
BRIAN
Perchance do you have any evidence to back up this claim?
NATHANIEL
Of course I do. Do you honestly think I’d say something like that without evidence?
BRIAN
…
NATHANIEL
…
BRIAN
Well?
NATHANIEL
Fine, since you’re so insistent. It was in a recent scientific paper.
BRIAN
By whom?
NATHANIEL
A well respected scientist.
BRIAN
Which one?
NATHANIEL
Look, I can’t be expected to keep track of everything and cite every little thing I say. I’m not Superman.
BRIAN
Well, you do seem to be trying to save the world from deadly bunny rabbits.
NATHANIEL
Oh, so it’s like that, is it? This whole thing is just a joke to you?
BRIAN
Owing to the nature of your claim, it is somewhat amusing.
NATHANIEL
Well, if you’re so clever and bright, why don’t you back it up? Prove that I’m wrong.
BRIAN
Are you serious?
NATHANIEL
I certainly am, Brian. If you can’t just admit that you are wrong, then come up with something to prove your claim.
BRIAN
You mean my claim that the overwhelming majority of homicide cases aren’t perpetrated by rabbits? Shouldn’t you be the one to prove your case, since yours is more extraordinary, and appears to be transparently made up on the spot?
NATHANIEL
Ah, but I’ve already proven my claim, haven’t I?
BRIAN
No.
NATHANIEL
I knew it, you can’t disprove my point, and you’re simply attacking me because you can’t admit defeat.
BRIAN
This is growing tiresome. Why don’t we just solve this debate by going down to the police station and asking to see their statistics?
NATHANIEL
Oh please, you honestly trust their statistics?
BRIAN
Well, yes. Why wouldn’t I?
NATHANIEL
Well, there are a number of homicides that go unreported, or unsolved. Also the police don’t process rabbits, only humans.
BRIAN
What percentage of homicides go unsolved?
NATHANIEL
Oh, I would say… about 99%.
BRIAN
Even if that were true, which it is not, then how do you conclude that the murderers are all rabbits?
NATHANIEL
Look Brian, no accurate rabbit census has ever been taken, and we already know these things procreate like, well, like bunnies. If we’re not careful, we could soon be up to our eyeballs in duplicitous, murdering long ears.
BRIAN
You just completely changed the subject, and now you’ve moved on to meaningless fear mongering.
NATHANIEL
According to my calculations, in ten years, the rabbit density in New Mexico will increase to 13 rabbits for every square foot. Imagine a giant fuzzy blanket of cottony tails, whiskers, and HORROR.
BRIAN
Are you even listening to me anymore?
NATHANIEL
I’ve prepared a PowerPoint presentation, and I’m going to use it to spread awareness of this issue around the entire world.
BRIAN
Yeah, guess not.
NATHANIEL
Then, hopefully with a little luck, I’ll win an Oscar for it somehow, and I’ll be able to have people who disagree with me kil--
BRIAN
Well, good luck with your mental breakdown there, I’m going to go get some lunch.
NATHANIEL
And then no one will ever be able to call me “Mr. Poopypants” again! For I will be a respected humanitarian! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Epilogue: Two minutes later, Nathaniel blew out his O-ring and his trousers sadly perished of an extreme case of butt poisoning.
ADDENDUM
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