46 Pages of Penis Jokes

INT. BBC OFFICE - DAY

The old, stodgy BBC CONTROLLER sits at his desk, staring
coldly at the young hotshot writer sitting across from him,
our hero, BRIAN GUMPTION.

CONTROLLER
Mr. Gumption, do you know why I've
called you in here today?

BRIAN
Um, no sir, I can't say that I do.

CONTROLLER
It's about the reviews of your
show.

BRIAN
Oh, they're fantastic, aren't they?
People really seem to like it.

CONTROLLER
I'm afraid there's a problem with
them.

BRIAN
Problem?

CONTROLLER
I regret to inform you that your
program does not meet the
incredibly high standards required
here at the BBC.

BRIAN
I'm sorry, I just don't understand.
All the reviews I've seen have been
so positive.

CONTROLLER
It's not so much the quality of the
reviews, as their content.

BRIAN
The content of the reviews? All due
respect, but how exactly am I
supposed to control that?

CONTROLLER
Here, I'll read you an example.
(he picks one up)
'The BBC has commissioned a new
children's television program
following the exploits of a
mischievous little goblin named
Drummond Cox. Filled with marvelous
storytelling for the little ones,
Goblin Cox is sure to provide fun
for the whole family.'

BRIAN
Sounds pretty positive to me.

CONTROLLER
I don't think you're paying
attention to the right thing. Here,
let me read you a few more. 'Goblin
Cox is great fun.' 'Our family
couldn't get enough of Goblin Cox.'
'For entertainment, you could do a
lot worse than Goblin Cox.' 'Goblin
Cox is a great way for your kids to
spend an afternoon.'

BRIAN
See what I mean? They're all raves!
And they stayed on message too,
that's what's really important.

CONTROLLER
(sharply)
The problem with your series is its
title!

Brian is suddenly a bit taken aback.

BRIAN
The title? I don't get it. What's
wrong with Goblin Cox?

CONTROLLER
Everything! It's suggestive!

BRIAN
Well yes, it suggests the name of
the main character, and his status
as a goblin. You can't get any more
concise than that.

CONTROLLER
You know what I mean, Brian. We
can't bloody well have all the
entertainment magazines saying
things like, 'for my child, 3 p.m.
on Saturdays can't come fast enough
so he can start Goblin Cox.' It's
embarrassing.

BRIAN
Oh please, children can't be
excited about things? I know this
country has an image of being stuck
up, but--

CONTROLLER
Don't play dumb with me. I'm on to
you. You think you've gotten
something past us because we saw
the title and signed off on it, but
imagine my surprise when I turned
on my television this morning to
hear about how our children have
all been caught up in a 'fever of
Goblin Cox!'

BRIAN
It is sweeping the nation.

CONTROLLER
Not anymore it's not! I'm pulling
your show.

BRIAN
That's absurd! Pulling a show
because of its title!

CONTROLLER
It's not absurd when the title is
just a veiled reference to--
(under his breath)
Penises...

BRIAN
I BEG YOUR PARDON!

CONTROLLER
Well, it's true.

BRIAN
I fail to see how you can get
penises out of Goblin Cox!

CONTROLLER
I'm sorry Brian, the decision has
been made.

BRIAN
The public isn't going to stand for
this! Children love Goblin Cox!

CONTROLLER
That's another thing. It's not just
the title. I actually read one of
your scripts and it turns out
they're absolutely packed with
immature puns. It was nothing but
46 pages of penis jokes!

BRIAN
You sick bastard!

CONTROLLER
What?

BRIAN
You disgust me. Can't even read a
script for a children's television
program without perceiving all
manner of filth. Penises indeed!
Well I'm not going to let this show
get taken off the air for your
perversion. I say let the children
enjoy Goblin Cox!

CONTROLLER
Nobody. Is going to be enjoying.
Goblin. Bloody. Cox.

They stare daggers at each other across the desk, silently
seething, until:

BRIAN
Okay, fine.

CONTROLLER
Fine?

BRIAN
Fair enough, take it off the air.

CONTROLLER
Really?

BRIAN
Yeah, I never much cared for Goblin
Cox anyhow.

CONTROLLER
Hm, I thought you would offer more
resistance than that.

BRIAN
Well, it's my duty to serve the
public interest.

CONTROLLER
Very well then.

A beat.

BRIAN
Say, with Goblin Cox cancelled,
you've got a slot to fill, haven't
you?

CONTROLLER
Yes, I suppose we do.

BRIAN
Well, I've got this idea. It's
called 'Arse Ramming Battle
Buggers.'

CONTROLLER
Sounds delightful. Approved.

They shake hands, and Brian walks out with a smile on his
face.

The Gatekeeper?